Until now, we’ve let our lawyers, guns and money speak for us. But with Bernie “The People’s Muppet” Sanders talking such trash about us, it’s time to hit the streets and speak up for ourselves.

Remember: Whose streets? Wall Street’s!

You can do this with a few simple steps:

First, make a name for yourself, man! I didn’t get to be Phil T. Rich by sitting around watching the stock ticker. Well, actually I did. As did so many of my friends at the country club: Jen Trification. Iona Bigga Yacht. Robbin D. Poor. You get the idea.

Second, dress for success. Tuxedo, top hat and cigar. Gown, mink stole and tiara. Get creative. Show some class, ruling class! (Some style tips & pictures.)

Third, get behind a message. Make some signs, banners, talking points, etc. Here’s a few we came up with back at the apres-ski lodge after spear-hunting endangered dolphins: 

Billionaires Against Bernie: Because We Have Everything to Lose

.01% and Proud!

Because we want to keep making more in an hour than you make in a year.

Democratic Socialism, Except the Opposite.

Don’t Get Any Big Ideas — Please.

Free Tuition? Get Back To Waxing My Car, Peon!

Citizens United was supposed to prevent this.

Denying Climate Change Since We Knew It Was Real

Profits Not People

Wealthcare, Not Healthcare!

(Or download or update any of the ones you find here and here.)

Or, better yet, make up your own.

Now, take action!

With your good name, dashing duds, and sharply-lettered messages, you’re ready to roll up your diamond cufflinks and mix it up with the hoi polloi!

Gather together a few like-minded Billionaires in your area. Figure out where Bernie is going to be next. Or where his great unwashed followers will be gathering in your area. Show up in a limo. Or simply wade into the crowd. (Some tips.) Proudly display your signs, and if you want to chant, here are a few good ones:

We are the 1%!

Status Quo! Status Quo! Status Quo! (sung to the tune of U-S-A! U-S-A!)

This is what plutocracy looks like!

(Many more chants here.)

You might want give out your business cards, or have Jeeves send out a press release. (Some general pointers; as well as example press releases from Billionaires past.)

Finally, report your action.

I’m Fearing the Bern! Are you Fearing the Bern?


—Phil T. Rich, Co-Chair, Billionaires Against Bernie, SuperPAC

p.s. If you’re looking for like-minded billionaires, you can find them at this facebook group. Reach out and express your ruling class solidarity. It’s lonely at the top.

p.p.s. If you have big ideas for what Billionaires Against Bernie should do next, great! Hell, you’re a Billionaire: you’re already in charge! We’re looking for some fresh blue blood to help this meme self-organize itself. Ever moderated a facebook group? Prepared downloadable posters? Bird-dogged a rabid Muppet? Your talents are needed. Please have at it! And if you feel the need to email us, do so here.